My Body-His Marcello Page 6

I sank into the yellow recliner, pulling my legs up to my chest in crushing grief over my quandary. I did not sob aloud or even breathe heavily. Silent tears of utter despair welled in my eyes and trickled down my cheeks.

  Christian knocked gently before coming in. “Are you done with the phone?” He rounded in front of me and knelt down, taking me in his arms.

  His gesture opened the gates of Hades and an avalanche of pain and sorrow gushed forth. He held me fast and tight for a long time while my body emotionally purged the present and the past. After what seemed like hours, my heaving sobs abated. Exhausted, I simply leaned there in his arms.

  He pulled away slowly, not completely letting go. “Do you want to talk about it?” he said.

  I sank back into the chair and he settled into the matching recliner next to mine. I shared the story of Luke, including the first time we met. Christian knew about the house and the parties.

  “I didn’t realize it was a sex party,” I said, “but honestly, I knew something was up with Scott. He pretty much abandoned me as soon as we arrived. My cell had no signal so I found my way upstairs, into Luke’s bedroom. I was immediately captivated by his presence, even though he scared me.”

  “What scared you?” said Christian, shifting onto his side and looking deep into my eyes—as though hoping to learn as much from observation as from my words.

  “This might sound silly, but I could feel him, even when he stood across the room from me. His intensity enveloped me and pulled at my sex. I was frightened and turned on at the same time. So when he demanded my panties, his hand held out waiting for them, I complied.” I sighed heavily.

  “Sounds hot to me,” Christian said, raising one eyebrow.

  “He ordered me downstairs to get us two beers and a pack of cigarettes. When I returned, so stimulated, he took control and made me cum twice. He kept spouting rules for me to commit to memory but all I could think about was the mania of passion he’d released in me. I wanted him to fuck me hard right then but instead he spanked me like I was a little girl. It twisted me in a way I didn’t understand.”

  Christian whistled. “That’s hot, Jane,” he repeated.

  I rolled my eyes and continued, “We moved in together after less than a week and my life was flipped upside down. The reason I’m not busy getting ready for my honeymoon right now is because of something I did at the start of us living together. He kept his office locked and I wanted … no, needed to know more about him. When his phone kept ringing every hour—I now know it was his ex, Janice, calling—he told me where I could find the key to his office. I knew I should just switch off the ringer and lock the key inside but I couldn’t resist the temptation. I went through all his files and cabinets, hoping to learn something. I dropped a batch of files and I reassembled them incorrectly. I put the photos and negatives back in the wrong folders. I should have confessed when I had the chance, after I told him about exploring his website.”

  “Why didn’t you?”

  “I thought he wouldn’t want to marry me anymore, that he wouldn’t forgive me.” I shrugged my shoulders.

  “I see.”

  “But our relationship is different now. It’s not like it was back then.”

  “Trust is trust, Jane, and in a Dom/sub relationship it’s paramount.”

  “I know, I know. I just don’t know what the hell to do about it now,” I said, wrapping my arms around my legs and pulling them tightly into my chest.

  “I’m surprised he would kick you out.”

  “Oh, he didn’t.” I laid my head on top of my knees.

  “Oh?” he said, shock written on his face. “I’m wondering, though, do you really think you can live without Luke? Sounds to me you’re still very much in love with him.”

  “He was going to send me to Marcello’s, so I just left.” I turned my head sideways to look at Christian and said, “I am in love with him, but I won’t let Marcello touch me.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because he has no sense of balance or mercy. At least with Luke the ultimate goal is my pleasure. He will push the boundaries of what that means and will use the discipline to send a message. Other than the time Janice whipped me at Marcello’s command, all the other disciplines have ended in my intense pleasure.”

  “And Marcello?”

  “He’s a different breed altogether. Did you see him at the wedding? His arrogance is unrivaled. He derives pleasure from mere torture. He doesn’t aim to just push the boundaries; he wants to obliterate them.”

  “I see,” he said.

  “Did I tell you that Marcello gets to decide when Janice eats?”

  “That is not uncommon in this lifestyle, Jane.”

  “Maybe that’s true but I don’t understand it.” I sat up, shaking my head. “I don’t understand myself. I never sought out this lifestyle. It just sort of found me. I’m not like Janice.”

  “I don’t think you’re so different. It’s a matter of degrees.”

  “Sorry, but I have to disagree with that.” I put my head down again, looking away from him.

  “Take Marcello, for instance,” he persisted. “When you talk about him, your brow furrows. You feel intense anger toward this man.”

  “Shouldn’t I? He has some weird control over Luke and he wants me for his own.”

  “Look, it feels to me like you’re ... How do I say this? You’re intrigued by him or challenged or maybe even attracted.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. The man repulses me, plain and simple.”

  “Okay,” he said, shrugging.

  Christian’s comments irked me. The fact remained that Marcello did intrigue me on some level, but I was too disgusted by the thought to admit it to myself. In that moment I wanted to run away from Christian, too, but I had no other place to go.

  “Can I crash here for the night?”

  “Sure, as long as you need to, but Jane—”

  “Hmmm,” I said, so relieved not to be out on the street.

  “You will go back to Luke and if I know the kind of man he is, he will insist you do the very thing that made you leave. Do you get my meaning?”

  “Yes I do.”

  “There are things I could do to help you prepare if you’d like.”

  “I’m not going back, Christian. I need to see about getting a job and a new place to live. Going back and letting Marcello have a chance at me isn’t an option.”

  “Okay, if you say so.”

  Christian left the room and returned a few minutes later with sheets, a pillow, blankets and a towel. “That couch is pretty comfortable in a pinch. I spent many a night on it while I was still married,” he said and chuckled.

  “Thank you so much. You’ve saved my life.”

  “The bathroom’s through there,” he said, pointing over his shoulder. The buzzer sounded on the door. “I need to get out there. I suggest you shower and get some sleep.” He placed the bedding on the couch and left the room.

  I realized once he had departed that my bag still remained outside in the bushes. I waited until I heard the customer leave and went out into the shop.

  “I need to get my stuff. I left it outside,” I said, traipsing toward the door.

  “I’ll get it for you. Where outside?” he said, blocking my way with his body.

  “Oh, thanks, but I can take care of it.” I tried to side-step him.

  “Jane, you should get in the shower; it will do you some good. I will bring your stuff to you.”

  “It’s behind the bush on the right of the building if you’re facing it.” I acquiesced because I didn’t have the strength to fight him.

  He went toward the front of the store as I headed back into the year 1972. The bathroom had baby blue tiles interspersed with bright orange highlight tiles. It looked far from attractive but he kept the small five-by-eight immaculate. I reached into the tub shower and started the water.

  I knew Christian would come into the bathroom with my things but I rationalized that he had already seen me naked
so it wouldn’t be anything new for him.

  I stripped out of my clothes and stepped into the hot stream of water. It soothed my soul as it loosened my tight muscles. I let the warm water cascade over my head and back, easing the stiffness.

  I could hear Christian enter the bathroom and place my backpack on the floor. He pulled aside the curtain and said, “Your stuff ...” He stopped and started again, “Is that what Janice did to you? It looks mostly healed.”

  “Yes.” I flinched at his proximity. It seems odd in retrospect, given that I had strolled naked in front of some fifty people at the wedding, but it was different having just one man viewing me unclothed. The way he looked at me felt intrusive—not unlike Marcello’s hungry regard.

  He reached out to touch my back and I lurched away. “Please leave,” I said.

  “I’ve seen you naked before, Jane. I’ve even touched you before and I definitely felt mutual attraction between us.”

  “That is all true but the circumstances have changed. I’m still trying to make sense of my life and have no interest in jumping into something else.”

  “Hmmm. Okay, I see.” He jerked the curtain shut and left the bathroom.

  “What the hell was that about,” I said to myself. I crouched down in the tub and pulled my bag closer to the side of the shower. I took out my toiletries and quickly finished washing myself.

  Christian had made up the couch in my absence. I lay down, pulled the blanket over me and quickly fell asleep.

  I dreamt I stood in a black vault. There was an odd odor I couldn’t quite identify. I had the sense that the room was spacious but I couldn’t be sure. I felt around in front of me, trying to make out where the room ended. My shins hit the edge of something hard. I reached down and ran my fingers over a metal-framed cot. Moving slowly and carefully, I lowered myself onto the mattress and lay down. I kept my eyes wide open, hoping to detect a shred of light. The darkness proved absolute. When I awoke from the dream it remained vivid but I had no idea what it meant.

  I lay there for a while as my current circumstances flooded back. What would I do? Christian’s hospitality would come at a price; he had made that clear. I didn’t want to get up but I knew I needed to make things happen ASAP. First I needed a place to stay. Finding a job would have to take second place. As I pondered the weight of my ruined world, Christian came in through the back and said, “Good morning.”

  “How did you sleep?” I said, pulling up the blanket to cover me.

  “Fine, and you?” he said.

  “I slept hard. I’m trying to motivate myself to tackle all that needs to be done today. I have to find a place to live. I want to swing by the house and get more of my things and then get a job. Not too much to tackle in a day,” I said, trying to manage a smile.

  “Well you are free to stay here if you like and work on getting a job first.”

  “Thank you,” I said. “Going to swing by the house and get my cellphone and more clothes. I should be gone most of the day.”

  “Okay then, I’ll catch you later. Here’s my card if you need to call.”

  “I really appreciate you putting me up.”

  “Well, yeah, okay. I need to get out into the shop and unload some boxes.”

  I quickly dressed, gathered up all my belongings, and left through the back door.

  I trudged back to our beach home. Sticking my house key in the lock, I couldn’t make it turn. I was shocked. I couldn’t fathom how Luke had found the time to have the locks changed before he left. I circled around and tried the French doors, also locked. Sitting on the stoop in front of the door, I held my head in my hands. What the hell was I going to do now? I had to add buying a new cellphone to the list.

  On a whim I decided to swing around the house and see if I could find an unlocked window.

  The window on the back wall of my writing room was somewhat accessible. I found it latched. Like the others in the house, it was double-paned, with a lock mechanism on the top of the bottom pane. I pulled up on several windows, hoping one would budge. Using a nail file out of my backpack, I tried to jimmy my writing room window and get it to dislodge, but that proved futile.

  I needed to be able to raise myself up enough to get through. Not wanting to break any glass, I was at a loss as to how to get it to open otherwise. Giving in, I stepped out onto the beach and found a few large and small stones. I hauled them to the window. Then it occurred to me that I could use one of the chairs out back so I carried that around to the side of the house. Standing back from the window, I took a small stone and hurled it. The rock cracked the window but bounced off. I picked up a larger stone and threw it like a shot-put. It cracked the window a bit more, leaving a small hole.

  Taking a shirt out of my bag, I wrapped it around my hand and forearm. I knocked the remaining glass out of the pane and into the room. On the final piece of glass I managed to cut a gash in the top of my hand.

  “Oh crap,” I said out loud.

  I tore a piece out of the shirt and wrapped it tightly around my hand. When I heard a car passing by, I quickly crouched out of view. I prayed they didn’t see the broken window because the last thing I needed was the police showing up.

  With the chair next to the window, I moved my upper body through the frame and used my good hand to stabilize myself. With my wrapped hand I shoved the remaining glass off the desk.

  “Damn!” I said, realizing that my backpack still lay on the ground.

  I stepped off the chair, took my computer out and tossed my backpack through the window. I wasn’t sure what to do with my laptop. I decided to place it on the desk and try to maneuver over it. Hanging my upper body for the most part inside the house, I lowered the computer onto the floor. Then I shimmied onto the desk, pulling my legs through the window and lowering myself carefully onto the glass covered floor.

  “What a pain,” I said.

  Before I attended to my hand I checked all the doors. Every lock had been changed to the kind that requires a key on both sides to open. He really didn’t want me back inside the house.

  In our bedroom, my suitcase still sat where I had left it. I went to the bathroom and cleansed my cut. Fortunately it was small enough to cover with a Band-Aid.

  I swept up the glass in my office and hung a pillow case to cover the window. Retrieving my cellphone from its charger, I saw no calls or messages. That’s when I realized how much hope I had invested in finding a message from Luke. The disappointment seized me in a hot rush of desolation.

  I scoured the drawers in the kitchen for a key to the doors but found none. Good to his word, Luke had put a lock on his office studio as well.

  I contemplated leaving the house and going out to find a place to live and a new job, but our bed looked so inviting I climbed into it fully dressed and brought his pillow to my face. Breathing in Luke’s smell, I decided tomorrow would be soon enough to tackle everything.

  After dozing for a bit, I retrieved my computer and climbed back into bed. It occurred to me he might have sent me an email. My excitement built as I waited for the computer to load up. My shoulders slumped as I saw that like my phone, my mailbox was empty. I decided to email him anyway.

  To: LukeBandDphotos@controlme.com

  From: PlainJane368@yahoo.com

  Subject: I’m sorry …

  Dearest Luke,

  There is no doubt I should have been honest that day we first came to the beach house. I so wanted to tell you everything but the idea that you would take back your proposal or worse, never want to see me again, left me scared to confess the stupid things I had done in your office.

  I instantly regretted my actions and not just because I messed up the files. I wanted to learn about you and feel closer to you but of course snooping never really accomplishes that. The saddest part is that we had gotten past that stage, had grown so much closer, and now I have screwed it up.

  Is there no way you could come up with a different punishment? You can’t really want me to be at Marcello’s.
Please? Anything else. I’ll do it.

  I hope your trip is going well in Japan and I miss you horribly.

  Come back to me,

  Jane

  I hit send without even rereading.

  * * *

  The week flew by. My cellphone remained silent and my email box empty. I made one call to Christian telling him I had found a place to stay. I didn’t have to field any calls from my mother or friends, who all assumed Luke and I were busy basking in our marital bliss.

  I climbed in and out of the window a few times to buy groceries. I exercised on the treadmill when I could summon the energy. Often I just sat on the couch by the window starring out at the nothingness. Every day I promised myself I would get myself together and get out of the bed or off the couch and make some new life plans, but every day I found it too easy to think, “There’s another day.” After the first day I went back to what had become my normal state of nakedness.

  At the end of the week I decided to clean up the house and get ready for Luke’s return. I wasn’t sure of the exact time he would be home but I assumed tomorrow on his usual a.m. flight. Amazingly, I never considered what I’d say once I saw him. I rehearsed no apology outside of what I wrote in the email and didn’t even think about what I’d have to go through to make it up to him. In my profound state of denial it was so much easier to just think, He’s away again and will be back soon.

  After straightening up, I decided to drive his car into town to buy breakfast supplies for his homecoming. I never considered the possibility that he wouldn’t take me back.

  What did end up happening to me was beyond the powers of my imagination at that time.

  CHAPTER SIX

  I dressed in the bedroom and strode across the hall to my writing room. I pulled back the pillow case and threw out my backpack ahead of me. As I had done all week, I climbed through the window and bounded around to Luke’s car.